Let’s set the scene. Meghan walks into the room and sees Kate perched up on that vanilla sofa and zeroes in on that Earl Grey. “Girlfriend, please,” she says while pulling out two bottles of wine and a corkscrew from her bag because that’s how she rolls. Then Meghan proceeds to sit criss cross applesauce on the floor and tells Kate in no uncertain terms it’s going to be a Netflix binge night for them. First The Queen, then the “Porchie” episode of The Crown (because that’s the smuttiest best) with USA channel masterpiece, William and Kate: The Movie, bringing up the rear. Because you should always save the best for last.
What better way for Meghan to learn about her new family? And Kate can fill in all the gaps that Hollywood missed. For starters, does Prince Charles really have someone iron his shoe laces? And how does one keep from crying whenever the Queen gives one of her infamous stank eyes? You know, like the one she gave Kate when she said her wedding dress display at Buckingham Palace was “creepy” and “horrid.” And can you bring up Princess Diana in casual conversation or is it off limits if the Windors are around? Lastly, did Kate really jump into the water towards William after he surprised her while she was training with the Sisterhood for the charity dragon boat race? Because, if so… how Goldie Hawn in Overboard of her!
The mood would lighten. The ice would thaw. The wine bottles would empty. Answers would be had and Kate would be less… Kate and more candid. And perhaps, she might dish out some practical advice that Meghan couldn’t learn anywhere else.
Tip #1 – Put weights on your hems. Kate’s had some “Marilyn Moments” she’d love to forget. Unfortunately the internet isn’t the forgetting type. High streets fashions are affordable and send the right “thrifty” message but thin, cheaper materials aren’t the best for English winds and airplane exits.
Tip #2 – Get on Granny’s good side. Again, you know that face I’m talking about. You never, ever want her looking at you like that.
Tip #3 – Laugh at all of Philip’s jokes. It doesn’t matter what it’s about. Just laugh. He’s old. Humor him. It’s reported he won’t even enter a room if Sarah Ferguson is in it. The man can hold a grudge.
Tip #4 – Have babies! There’s nothing the public likes more than cute babies! Every time you do something that people disapprove of (See Tips 1 and 2) all you have to do is shell out some cute kid photos and all will be forgiven!
Tip #5 – However, if you’re not ready to have kids then don’t drink water at a public event where others are drinking wine. You’ll never hear the end of “Is she or isn’t she pregnant?” stories.
Tip #6 – Don’t bother trying to get on Princess Anne’s good side. You might let it slip one day that you think dressage is the same thing as horse jumping and she’ll pull a Prince Philip and “Fergie” you out of her life. Instead, stand next to Zara Phillips whenever you can at family events. She always looks like she’s having a blast.
Tip #7 – Never say “We just want to live normally like everyone else for as long as we can.” It’s grating to others who never considered palaces and unlimited clothing budgets normal. Shopping at a grocery store does not make you normal if you don’t have a budget you have to stick to! Be royal. It’s what everyone’s paying you for.
Tip #8 – Don’t get drunk with Prince Charles. He and Camilla tend to get sloppy and start singing old show tunes from the 1950s together. No, that’s not true. I made that one up… but doesn’t it seem like it’s probably true?
And Tip #9 – Wear your jackets a couple of times before giving them away. The press calls it recycling!
My guess is Meghan passes out before Kate does. After all those glassy eyed nights leaving Boujis, I know my girl can put them back. And there’s no way she’s calling it quits before William and Kate: The Movie is over. It’s a classic.
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